Money, Marriage and Divorce

Financial issues are almost always cited as a primary reason for marriage problems. Couples are more uncomfortable talking about their differences with respect to money than almost any other issue, including sexual dissatisfaction. It’s helpful in looking at our behavior to explore our relationship to money, and how this impacts on our emotional connections and disconnections.

We inherit money behaviors and attitudes from our families and other influential people in our lives. These attitudes can be passed from generation to generation.

There are two extremes that span the issues of saving and spending. One extreme represents a preoccupation with acquiring and hoarding money, while the other extreme represents obsessive spending.

Hoarders /Underspenders

"But, I might need it someday."

Many hoarders lived through the Depression, the Holocaust, or some other conflict where there were not sufficient funds to meet their families’ needs. Underspenders represent the most extreme condition of hoarding where they may resist spending, even to their own detriment. They won't seek medical help when they are ill... they won't buy the proper clothes to deal with seasonal changes.

Some common kinds of term insurance include:

Compulsive Spenders

For many people who are overspenders, their possessions often give them their sense of identity. Overspending can involve over-use of credit, or the need to spend money to create a mood change. Buying can be their only way to feel good. Spending works as a kind of anesthetic for the pain. Much of the time these people live in a debtor's prison of their own making. The very shame that torments them arising from their out-of-control spending is the same dynamic that compels them to do it again.

What can couples do to reduce the financial conflict in their marriages? A good first step could be to understand their hoarding or spending behaviors and those of their spouse... to identify where their behaviors fall into hoarding or overspending patterns. With this as a starting point, they can start to examine why they have their particular attitudes towards money, and what they can do together to reach peace with each other and also meet their longer-term financial goals.

Important to remember- there are situations where both partners share overspending behaviors. They don't see this as a problem. As they accumulate debts, things begin to deteriorate. Neither party feels that they should be the one curbing their spending, and marriage problems often surface.

For people with extreme hoarding or spending patterns, psychologists stress that recovery from this is not unlike recovery from other substance abuse. This is not merely a "how to handle your money" issue. It must be integrated along with an improved sense of self-worth and self-esteem.

Separation and divorce complicates everything financial. Two together live more cheaply than one. The additional stress can cause a party with a compulsion to hoard or to spend, to escape father down the rabbit hole. Resentment can drive us to punish each other.

It may be a good idea for separating couples to open up separate bank and credit accounts. Each can take responsibility for budgeting and managing his or her own expenses. This is often the first step in the necessary process of establishing independence and self-control.

Single, married, separated, or divorced -- whatever your situation, it’s worthwhile to do some self-searching to understand your attitudes towards money and how they impact your relationships.

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